Have you ever heard your mother's or father's words come out of your own mouth and thought, "Where did that come from?" You are not alone. Every parent brings their own childhood into the way they raise their children. Some of what we learned, we want to pass on. Some of it, we want to leave behind.

That is where intentional parenting comes in. In this guide, you will learn what intentional parenting is, how your upbringing shapes your parenting, the four parenting styles, and five simple steps to start parenting on purpose today.

What is intentional parenting?

Intentional parenting means making conscious choices about how you raise your children, based on the values you want your family to live by. Instead of reacting on autopilot, you pause, reflect and choose.

It does not mean being a perfect parent. It means knowing why you parent the way you do, and having a plan for the kind of family you want to build.

How your upbringing shapes the way you parent

Most of us learned how to handle emotions, conflict, discipline and love from the adults who raised us. When we are tired or stressed, we often fall back on those same patterns, even ones we promised ourselves we would never repeat.

For immigrant and newcomer parents, this can feel even more complex. You may have been raised with values and expectations from one culture while raising children in another. Some traditions you will want to keep with pride. Others may not fit the life your children are living now.

Take a quiet moment and ask yourself:

• What did my parents do that I want to keep?
• What do I want to do differently?
• How were feelings handled in my home growing up?
• What do I react to most strongly in my children, and why?

The goal is understanding, not blame. Our parents did their best with what they had. We can honour them and still choose new ways.

The four parenting styles

Researchers often describe four broad parenting styles. Most parents move between them, especially under pressure, but knowing them helps you see where you are and where you want to grow.

1. Authoritative

Warm and caring, with clear expectations and consistent limits. Children are heard and guided. This balance of warmth and structure is consistently linked with confident, responsible and emotionally healthy children.

2. Authoritarian

High expectations and strict rules, with little warmth or explanation. Children may obey, but they often feel unheard and may hide their struggles.

3. Permissive

Very loving, but with few limits. Children may struggle with self-control and responsibility.

4. Uninvolved

Little warmth and few limits, often because parents are stretched thin or overwhelmed. Children may feel alone.

Five steps to start parenting intentionally

1. Choose your family values

Pick three to five values that matter most, such as respect, kindness, honesty, responsibility or cultural pride. Let them guide your decisions about rules, screens, chores and family time.

2. Practise connection before correction

When your child is upset, stay calm first and name the feeling: "You are upset that playtime is over." Children cooperate more when they feel understood. Then hold the limit kindly.

3. Teach, do not just punish

The word discipline comes from a word meaning "to teach". After a hard moment, talk about what your child can do differently next time.

4. Make one-on-one time a habit

Even ten minutes a day of undivided attention with each child builds trust and makes everything else easier.

5. Repair when you get it wrong

Every parent loses their temper sometimes. A sincere apology shows your children how to take responsibility and make things right.

Build your family parenting plan

Write down your top three values, how you will spend one-on-one time with each child, your family rules for screens, homework and bedtime, how you will handle discipline, and one habit you want to change this month. Revisit it every few months as your children grow.

Want a ready-made template? Our free Intentional Parenting Starter Guide includes reflection questions, the four parenting styles, a values checklist and a fill-in parenting plan.

Go deeper with our Intentional Parenting Course

Since 2022, more than 250 parents have taken part in our Intentional Parenting Course, which runs every summer. Parents reflect on their own upbringing, learn practical tools and leave with a written plan for their family. As one parent shared, the course "helped me understand how my upbringing was impacting my parenting. I am now taking more time to think about my actions and reactions towards my kids, which has greatly improved our relationship."

To join the next cohort, email info@familiesarising.ca.

Frequently asked questions

What is intentional parenting?

Intentional parenting means making conscious choices about how you raise your children, based on your family's values, instead of repeating patterns from your own childhood without thinking about them.

How does my upbringing affect my parenting?

Most of us learned how to handle feelings, conflict and discipline from our own parents. Under stress, we often repeat those patterns. Reflecting on your childhood helps you keep what worked and change what did not.

What is the best parenting style?

Research consistently links the authoritative style, which combines warmth with clear and consistent limits, with confident, responsible children. Most parents move between styles, so aim for balance rather than perfection.

How do I start being a more intentional parent?

Start small. Reflect on how you were raised, choose three family values, spend one-on-one time with each child and practise staying calm before you correct. Our free Intentional Parenting Starter Guide walks you through each step.

Related reading: Raising children across cultures · Family routines that work · Overcoming culture shock

Families Arising Resource Centre Edmonton is a registered non-profit that supports Black, immigrant, newcomer and multicultural families through programs for mothers, fathers, children and teens. Explore our programs or browse our free resources.